I look for rest   
where Saint John failed   
to tread   
searching   
for a communion    

sprung from seeds   
brewed from a potion   
snapped   
off a witch's nose   

when you leave   
i fear the emptiness
left behind

sheets worn threadbare
on your side of our bed
from restless nights 
trying to catch your scent
from the pillow where 
I still occasionally
awake with a stray
blonde hair across my lips
as though you just recently
left, i listen for some sign
the sound rain tinkling
a light beneath the bathroom door.

i have to try  not to feel   
at all    
and can only escape   
into a restless sleep   
that i sometimes pray   
never to wake from   

and try not to dream 
anymore  
to avoid the disappointment   
that follows me where there   
is no escape but to wake   
again   
heart racing from so great   
a fear that quenches   
the soul more than any brew   
can calm    

each blend of lotus   
soothes the soul   
at the heart's expense    

i slept forever   
afraid to wake   
afraid to sleep   
from nightmares    
i can never remember    
clearly enough to confront   

so brave a face   
can never shield   
the tenderness 
of a subtle heart.   
  
-jbk   
draft24sept1997 
rev26october1997